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Inevitable?

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

A Q&A with President Obama over jobs

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

Trappist Monk Discord

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'What does it say, Dad?'

"How long before the clinical trials are over?"

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

You can fool some of the people all of the time - "Send in some of the people, Dorothy."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"Behold! My greatest improvement to fatherhood. She cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, burps, and farts. What's more...she self-identifies as a father!"

'Steve says that he doesn't understand why the liberals are so glum! They already have a majority.'

DOWN WITH THE KING!, 'Do you know what the PENALTY is for disturbing the peace during wartime?'

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

'Enter His Royal Globalness...'

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

Basically, you should think outside the box, but don't color outside the lines!

"We didn’t have enough in the budget to replace you with a real robot."

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

"Ok, ok, climate change is not a hoax!"

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Goodbye Opiate of the Masses

Santa's Helpers

'That's what I like about you Roberts, you're not afraid to get out there and take a risk.'

IRS: The country is broke, but your taxes cannot be construed as 'Charity to the Poor'.