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Bromance

How Moms explain.

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

"The article you sent me on how technology causes stress crashed my computer."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

Maybe there's something to this global warming after all.

Minority Report

'I didn't think of it as someone else writing my term paper, I thought of it more as a guest blogger situation.'

"How long before the clinical trials are over?"

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

What do you say we team up to star in a sequel to "The Elephant Man" called "The Wolverine Boy"? !

'Steve says that he doesn't understand why the liberals are so glum! They already have a majority.'

"My dream is to have a little house and a white picket fence wired with explosives."

DOWN WITH THE KING!, 'Do you know what the PENALTY is for disturbing the peace during wartime?'

"Maybe our beloved founder is trying to tell us something."

'Enter His Royal Globalness...'

'It's the moral highground occupation force.'

"I don't know how to tell you this, but it looks like you have a brain the size of a walnut."

"We didn’t have enough in the budget to replace you with a real robot."

Santa's Helpers

Basically, you should think outside the box, but don't color outside the lines!

"Consumer confidence remains high as long as we keep them distracted buying stuff."

Goodbye Opiate of the Masses

'That's what I like about you Roberts, you're not afraid to get out there and take a risk.'

IRS: The country is broke, but your taxes cannot be construed as 'Charity to the Poor'.

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

"You may have heard some very slanderous rumours about this company."

God Bless America, God Help Syria

"I was forced into early retirement. Is that even legal?"

Attorney At Law: Today's special - Bankruptcy and Divorce. Two for the price of one.

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

'Have you heard about the new Medicare drug plan called plan C? Medicare gives you $30 for a bus ticket to Canada!'

'Is it urgent?'