Sardonic Soiree Planner Gifts

"Two things, Debbie - I don't like your choice of dinner guests and my fish tasted funny."

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

How I Spent My Summer Vacation: Page One

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fish eating smaller fish in a tank.

"He's So Your Type."

Targets

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

'Wine improves my judgement. The urge to choke you lessens after a couple glasses of Chardonnay.'

Man falls off perch

Special Place in Hell...

'Tortoise stampede! But finish your picnic, folks - plenty of time.'

Two books from the crime passionel section in a library having sex

'Sure that money - detecting app works. It detected you had money didn't it?'

"Chad is doing product placement on the Simpson trial."

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

'While 10-15 years of cellaring are recommended and would certainly improve the bouquet and taste, no, there'sno reason why you can't go out back, behind the dumpster and down the whole thing in 1 chug.'

"I never do as I say. That's the beauty of a hypocritical oath."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I'm sorry Gerald but all those orgasms were 'fake news'."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'Don't get me wrong - hell is awful, but it could be so much more hellish. We have much to learn from them.'

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

'You may experience some discomfort.'

"You never see a fish down here. I wonder if they know something we don't know."

'Come on, just a few more. I need to boost my metabolism.'

"But a deep sense of grievance and indignation IS my Happy Place."

"Look Marj, decalf."

"No, it's not a foreclosure. It's my 'Going out of business sale!' Everything must go!"

"Can you see it, Bob? Green grass, warm breeze, flip flops. . . spring is coming!"

Please Wait to be Heated. (Two new arrivals enter Hell.)

'When I was hired, the boss asked if I could handle a job with lots of accountability, and like an idiot, I said 'Yes!''

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

Elevator buttons: Up/Down/Don't Care.