Sardonic Observer Gifts

'My ex husband's last heart attack.'

Welcome to hell. A lose-lose situation.

'As meetings go that was one of my better ones!'

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'Who ordered twelve gross of aluminium buckets for the bailout?'

"Most of the time, it's unclear what our company does exactly."

"You'll be in charge of the music down here."

"The food is so-so, but they make up for it with free refills on the drinks."

"Occasionally he allows staff to voice their grievances..."

'It may seem dull to you now, Harry, but at one time, everything in that book was breaking news.'

"Forget the meaning of life, go get me a chirpractor."

'Damocles, did I sit in the wrong chair?'

'Science shows cats love you!'

'The little woman hide the remote control, and I've lost ten pounds looking for it!'

"Maureen, Phelps is down. Would you like to come In and kick him?"

'Allors Monsieur, let's see... one fish meal... one phone call for the ambulance... that'll be 79,70.'

'There have been rumors they were cutting out a layer of management.'

Disadvantages of having a parking meter for a friend...

"Acid burns to the lips, sea-water in the lungs, a bullet hole to the right temple...it all points to a love of life."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else. Someone with peanuts."

'Remember, Higgins, for you my door is always open.'

'I quite the wine class after 5 minutes. The instructor started by saying that wine a liquid, but it's dry.'

Survivalist Training Camp.

Our Lady of Perpetual Kvetching

Next hero

'Apologies for the delay to the trains...we are busy counting our money.'

"And I said, 'I'm tired of you asking me what I'm thinking' and heeeeeer we are."

'The airport security people who will be viewing you are in a soundproof booth...'

'I don't know why she jumped. She was always so full of life.'

Are you twittering under my name? Talkin 2 Rudy. I will tear you limb from limb. He's fusically irisistable. Then I'll tear your phone limb from limb. His iPhone 2. Then destroy all your gadgets. Losing mind. Incarcer8 me.

"Yes, your report is three pages. But, what concerns me is that your font size is 80."

Some People Who Take Drugs Are Real Cool.

Okay, but next year I get to sit by the window!