Sarcastic Valentiner Gifts

'Republican Valentines' They really love the word 'NO!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Well, here he is. He just grew on me until I couldn't stand it anymore."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'Gentlemen, it's time we tightened our belts.'

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

You know, I'll always think of the song that's on the Juke box right now as

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."

'It seems that my advice wasn't the only thing he could do without.'

"So is that enough 'putting out' for you?"

'Legal say that 'Be my Valentine' opens us up to sexual harrassment claims, they suggest 'dear individual of indeterminate or any gender would you consider accepting the role of being my person of special interest'.'

"No, I didn't fake it last night. I really was asleep"

'I know 24 ways to kill a man - add another if I don't get a drink.'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

'We lost six nil!. . . and we were lucky to get the nil!'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

"I'm at my wits end."

People who ghosted me

'I agree, Hadley, we've seen very little of each other but that's what I intended when I divorced you.'

'Dang, I told him to take a shower before we sacrificed him to the volcano god!'

'Aww, how cute. They sent you a valentine subpoena.'

"I loved your E-mail, but I thought you'd be older."

'With us it was loathe at first sight.'

'There's something wrong with my stomach.' - 'Keep your coat buttoned and nobody will notice.'

'Fine, thank you. And how are you?'

"How's the divorce going?"