Sarcastic Tech User Gifts

Obscenity-recognition software. It's for people who hate computers, but have to use them.

'Caesar salad?'

"Let's wait for it to come out on cable and then not watch it."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'You always wanted a larger office with a view.'

People I've Met At Parties Whose Names I've Forgotten

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

"If you need me, I’ll be in the living room clawing the bejesus out of that Navajo rug you just picked up at auction."

You give dives a bad name. Somebody has to!

Didn't we fire you last week?

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

I think that computer might be giving out a little too much heat... Energy efficient IT systems.

'I just read that in order to get the same benefit as lab mice got from taking resveratrol, you'd have to drink 1,000 bottles of wine per day. For you, that would mean cutting back.'

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'That's four million, one hundred and eighty straight misses, Mr Fenson. Your shooting has gone all to hell.'

Did you know that 3 to 4 glasses of wine a day can reduce your risk of giving a s**t. . . but you'll pee a lot more.

"Can you show me how to turn off Dark mode?"

What's that annoying sound? BEEEP. I've figured it out! I lost one of my cell phones. It's somewhere in the caf

It's too cold...the boss is a jerk...my feet hurt.

"Sorry, but road rage is next door. This room is for people who get frustrated with their compute and take it out on their keyboards."

STRIP Hambone: Techinical support in layman's terms #2

"You should have called me earlier."

'Me? I have a cold mouse hand.'

'I'd prefer the banks were re-formed and Destiny's Child split up.'

'I let Ed sleep through these meetings. His snoring keeps the others awake.'

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

People who ghosted me

'Don't get smart with me!'

'Blasted caller ID! I can't get through to anybody!'

Early mobile phone laws

Man pokes his touchscreen and hurts it.

"And we're still not getting any hot air."

Epitaph - 'Is that all you got?'