Sarcastic Quote Collector Gifts

'I never question your ability. I never even mention it.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

Armstrong, the only doctor covered in the new health plan you got me is a veterinarian! Beats no coverage. Yeah, if you're a parakeet. You're so cheap. You don't value me at all. You ingrate. I didn't have to give you health benefits. Lots of employers don't cover their animals. You mean workers. Stop your barking.

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Exciting potato bugs.

Redhead

'I had to stamp down on staff using nicknames at work. They even had one for me!'

"Because you've been working so little, you can have the rest of your career here off."

Honest Voting Stickers

"I don't want to insult your intelligence - I imagine that happens enough as it is."

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

"True, it is 'organic.' It's also a dead squirrel!"

'Don't give up hope, Senator- We've worked out a plan to decrease your name recognition.'

"I'm not worried about identity theft. Who'd want to be me?"

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"I don't see any mention of quicksand skills on your resume."

'I owe you an apology, Greffman -- Let's keep it that way.'

'He lost his whistle,'

'And the good news is you can finish out your 'Employee-of-the-Month' term before cleaning out your desk.'

'It looks like blood, tastes like Ribena, I just hope it gets me drunk,'

"The damsel-in-distress thing is just one of several income streams that I pursue."

"Let's demonstrate our corporate values of diversity and inclusion and listen to some of Brian's stupid ideas."

"I'm not sure what to watch...'Enterprise' or 'Sabado Gigante.'"

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"... and God bless my mom and her courage to call this food."

'I may scream at you occasionally. Pay no attention. I may rant and rave...pay no attention...I may even fire you occasionally. PAY ATTENTION!'

"There is no 'I' in 'team', however there are several 'I's in 'I'm the boss and you do what I say'."

"Lemme guess: You forgot the basil Mom asked for, and my ice cream is in your briefcase?"

"I want you to drink more beer, eat more fatty foods and take less exercise."

"Mine has a terrible battery life."

"I've only had three pints and I'm totally wasted. . . I'll never drink vodka again!"

Men Not Working.

"It's a 'get worse soon card' from your ex wife."

"You think you have the boss from hell?!"

'Oh he's sporty all right - he can be up and down on his stairlift in under ten minutes'