Sarcastic Epicurean Pillows

'No, there isn't any shrimp in the 'Shrimp Surprise' -- It's just called that because it's not all that surprising.'

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Caesar salad?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

'I've got an exciting new assignment for you. You're going to share one salary.'

"Well, I'm the company sports champion! During the lunch break I ate more hamburgers than any other colleague!"

'Where's the petty cash?'... 'It's in the box marked Pension Fund.'

'My phone number, Social Security number and Zip Code, just to buy gum? They didn't ask me that many questions when I joined the army.'

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

Mitch learns he is not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

"Call this cordon bleu?"

Waiter indicates cutlery for diner's tiny meal, saying: 'The one on the right is your mangnifying glass, sir.'

'Wow! - Your diary is even more boring than MY diary!'

"Take one three times a day and come back in 43 years."

'It will cure every ailment known to man, the only side effect is, you'll choke to death trying to swallow it.'

Not a good day - he's counting paper-clips.

Home Sweet Mortgage (worth more than the house).

"You were always my favorite to guilt-trip."

"Bird of paradise, my ass."

The canteen food's pretty awful...

'This is the worst wine I've ever tasted--I'll take 20 cases.'

'Since this is my first time in court, I wonder if it would be all right if my attorney got a couple of shots of me lying under oath.'

"Send them in for their Christmas bonuses."

'Police! Snow White we have complaints about your relationship with 'Grumpy', and one 'Dopey' some ten years ago.'

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"One of his employees won the lottery!"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'You have no new messages in your mailbox.'

'I needed a little guidance on bulk pricing strategies... are you LISTENING?'

A man in hospital is exposed to Covid-19

"I admit - as papercuts go it's quite a serious one."

"The only way I lost a few ounces with my activity tracker was when I took it off."