Satirical Epicurean Pillows

"We have an excellent shooting range..."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

The Bland Leading the Bland

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

The puppet master

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

'No, there isn't any shrimp in the 'Shrimp Surprise' -- It's just called that because it's not all that surprising.'

'He managed to think himself into the box !'

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'To prevent fraud, we like to verify whiplash injury claims!'

"Well, I don't care if it is some kind of fancy-schmancy restaurant...if I want ketchup, I'm gonna get ketchup!"

'My doctor said I'm digging my own grave with a spoon and fork. It'll take longer if I use only a fork.'

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

No Flash Photography of Meals

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

'Your tests show you to be drug free ... and three months pregnant.'

The Texas Chainsmoker's Mascara.

'There ain't no intellectual messages in my work... I'm just too short to fill the whole bloody canvas!'

"Excuse me for a moment. I have to go and refinance this dinner bill."

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

"I'm looking for a red with a fruity bouquet, lightly peppery on the palate, and will get me smashed in under 3 glasses."

"Our company has a green culture and a passion for the brand marking this a better world!"

The Leathery, Shapeless speedo sporter.

"Does this dress make me look Republican?"

Push Button for Moonie.

The Statue of Liberty holding a bottle of Beer and a Pizza.