Joking Epicurean Pillows

"Call this cordon bleu?"

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Holiday Supplies

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

Michel Roux Jr

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

How to injury yourself as an adult

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

Survival of the Foodiest

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

'Now, if you can get them when they're still in the clamshell, their adrenalin is way higher which enhances the taste. In fact, here comes one right now!'

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!