Joking Epicurean T-Shirts

"Call this cordon bleu?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Holiday Supplies

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"You arrived as bottom-feeders, but you shall leave as bottom-gourmands."

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

The Nervous Gourmet:Low-Risk Chicken

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

Michel Roux Jr

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Paul Bocuse caricature

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

How to injury yourself as an adult

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

Survival of the Foodiest

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

'Now, if you can get them when they're still in the clamshell, their adrenalin is way higher which enhances the taste. In fact, here comes one right now!'