Epicurean Comedian Pillows

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Holiday Supplies

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

"It's the Chef Surprise."

"Call this cordon bleu?"

Michel Roux Jr

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

Survival of the Foodiest

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

"Do you have a strain that pairs well with Chunky Monkey?"

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'

"Wow - good job!"

No Flash Photography of Meals