Epicurean Comedian Pillows

'This Beef Wellington is as tough as old boots.'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"I read somewhere that truffles are a gateway fungus."

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

'It's the essence of springtime. You're really enjoying it.'

Holiday Supplies

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

"It's the Chef Surprise."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Paul Bocuse caricature

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

Michel Roux Jr

"Call this cordon bleu?"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

'If that is a toenail, it is a French toenail.'

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

"Do you have a strain that pairs well with Chunky Monkey?"

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

'The bill is part of the chef's surprise, sir.'

Romance novel writers make the best waiters. 'Tonight's special is chicken: ample,milky white breasts, touched with a slight hesitation of strong,rigid basil, too headstrong to stay and too scared to stop.'

Nick's Greek Restaurant: Special - Nick's own translation of the Odyssey

Survival of the Foodiest

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

You complimented the chef on his dumplings-now he wishes to return the compliments!

"Wow - good job!"

'Does this restaurant allow substitutions?'