Sarcastic Decorator Gifts

'Nice decorating. I like the clothes and toys everywhere...and the half eaten sandwich really ties it all together!'

'And this is for couples who, whilst not actively seeking divorce, have agreed to keep apart by two chevrons.'

Cloud Cuckoo Land, Hamburger bar, "I don't like the look of this Charlie"

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Who should we have at eye level this month?"

"I work smart, instead of hard. You do all the work and I take all the credit."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

'Well Miss Hayward, your suggestion of trying Feng Shui didn't work.'

Suddenly Harold froze, trying to remember if he had ordered a side of roaches, or if this was a gross violation of public healthcare policy.

'This food's disgusting.' - 'And such small portions.'

"If anyone asks, I did this."

'Waiter, this salad is obnoxious!' 'But, sir — you asked for French dressing!'

"How was the food sir?"

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'You're problem is you don't think big enough.'

"Telling me how nutritious it is doesn't make it taste any better."

"No smoking, except in designated Fire and Brimstone areas."

"I thought you said his name was Mr Know-it-all?"

'Wow! That must have been one hell of a good salesman!'

"It's a sampler, like everything else in my life."

'Genius?! Pah! A five-year-old could paint this.' 'Perhaps... But a five-year-old couldn't convince anyone it was great art. Therein lies the genius.'

'It's intimidating that you don't decorate your office.'

Bed, Bath & The Beyond

'That mink-lined surprise he promise me - it was an apron.'

'I found this Happy Meal to mildly amusing at best.'

'5 hygiene stars! Shame the food tastes like toilet tissue!'

Inferior Designer

"You also get a choice of finishes ? flat, semigloss or satan."

"Wouldn't this one look nice shrivelled up in the kitchen?"

"This Halloween party is a great idea! Gracie is doing spooky decorations. And Tia Carmen is doing the fun gross-out food."

'Striped cats make me appear thinner.'

"I loved your E-mail, but I thought you'd be older."

'To a vinculo matrimonii.'

101 uses of a dead cat: helmet decorations.