Santa Seekers Gifts

"Waiting here for Santa Claus is getting us nowhere. I say we forget about the tree, go outside and just have fun."

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

'WD-40 un-sticks things that should move and duct tape makes things that shouldn't move, stop.'

Lady about the cross: 'Now that all of us have trusted Christ, this is our family tree.'

"I can't imagine why we didn't think of this before."

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

'How much stuff can I get away with and still go to heaven?'

"If I survive this holiday, I'm moving to a pond."

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

Parents start infant on the way to fame.

'Could you carve the Commandments in stone? -- otherwise they'll think I made them up.'

"The only thing I'm sensing is an entrepreneurial spirit."

'What about three-day Sabbaths?'

"Your sins are forgiven, but not your co-pay."

'What is the meaning of poorly attended staff meetings.'

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

"You're on mute."

Today's Sermon: We come into this world with nothing and we leave with nothing. Is there any chance of a bailout?

Promised Land Signpost

'When they said a cruise with a 'balcony view' I didn't think they meant a view of the balcony.'

"I predict six more weeks of winter...But I'm sure we'll tough it out."

"I spy something blue."

'Eve wants a second opinion about the apples.'

The idea of a wo-man cave was looking better and better.

"I told you it was a universal truth."

Heaven's Ingredients: 100% Natural Love, 100% compassion and 100% forgiveness.

Rudolph wasn't the only one who used to like to play Reindeer Games.

'So, I take it that diversity isn't a priority?'

"Eve, do you realize that neither you nor I ever had a childhood?"

'Never, NEVER sneeze while you're levitating.'

'You may choose either everlasting life or whatever is behind the curtain.'

"Hey Ed, take a look at this...more sleigh bells...what is this thing?"

Swami Trevor's Brotherhood of Celestial Enlightenment