Salty Humor Lover Gifts

It occurred to Norman that he was using far, far too much salt.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"What's wrong, boy? Is Timmy stuck in the well? Are zombies at your doggy door? A fire? Squirrels are holding your bone hostage? My Spotify stock just tanked?..." "He thinks he's real funny."

Crap from the future.

Giant slug attacks a city

'Well, this is a first †he's got repetitive motion syndrome from eating!'

"Despite thoroughly scraping the celebrity barrel, that Orwellian nightmare Celebrity Big Brother is back on our screens again."

"That's our new church mascot."

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

"The way you look at me, Craig... you really see me."

How About Serving Us For a Change

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"Ah...summer...and umbrellas as far as you can see...it reminds me of England!"

The Monroe Doctrine

Honest Voting Stickers

'No, you weren't there. But in your expert opinion as a certified brainiac, do you think he did it?'

Before disposing of useless information please make file copies.

Evil Henchman Gets a Promotion.

Think tanks.

National Liberty and Tax Codes.

Suggestions and Cheap Shots.

Have you ever read Dickens, minion? No. Businessman of the Year. Armstrong Maynard. How about Upton Sinclair? John Steinbeck? Who? … Marx? Mark's what? Thank you for reminding me why I hired you, minion. Can I take my weekly lunch break today instead of Friday?

Only in America

Our large economy size packet hasn't been selling...it's too big to carry home.

"Bad news. Our heads aren't lightbulbs."

'So, ten thousand pounds could be yours if you call in and answer this question...Why the hell aren't you in bed?!'

'...and do you solemnly swear to update your facebook status to 'married'?'

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

Police Lineup Escape

'For donating half my property to the poor, I'll get the 'Unselfish Millionaire of the Year' medal and a supporting receipt for my allowable expenses!'

Spying Smart TV

"I'm resigning so I can spend more time with my wonderful family, here."

Euro Collapse

"Welcome to Alabama. Pro-life at birth; not so much after that."

Dollars Press Conference