Safety-conscious Cook Pillows

"It's so nice to gather and enjoy a simple home-cooked meal together."

T-Bones STEAK House...NO sissy salad bar!...Heimlich expert always on duty'

Honest Vending

"Please don't kill me."

'The TZ90C with triple boosted propane burners and a titanium mesh grill with carbon fibre casings is the only way to guarantee that genuine back to nature outdoor flavour.'

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

'Don't worry it's organic...'

The FDA studies 'Tobacco'.

'What a day! - the computer broke down, and I had to cook manually!'

'Beat 3,000 eggs and add one quart of 10-30W oil? So much for putting my recipes on the computer.'

"Uncle Tod's Reviews"

'Ooops! No got that wrong, those two chemicals should never be mixed...'

"Are there any reports of illness at this table?"

'Bless this food, and protect us from the pesticides and additives therein.'

'Chef told me I had to have guard before I used the mixer!'

"He bought a thermometer for me, and I'm not even sick."

"There's a free pudding for whoever finds the Chef's glass eye."

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.'

'I'll have the food scare of the day.'

'You want the chili? - Have you had all your shots?'

person wearing heatproof suit for cooking

Food Uncertainty

"Why doesn't the budget ax ever fall in the produce department?"

"Sure, organic free-range poultry is more expensive, but consider all the guilt you're saving."

"Did you check the milk? I don't wanna get mad cow milk!"

"I still call it a custard tart but to be honest, it's a dairy free, soy fructose mix, with no nuts."

"Here comes your tomato surprise, sir!"

Frankenfood farms: pest-resistant, fresher-longer, who-knows-what produce.

Self-help videos: Buns of steel & Buns of brioche.

'There's an inspector here from the Board of Health who would like to see the chicken soup.'

'I thought he would run all sorts of scientific tests.'

'We're starting a new diet today -- do you want your tofu scrambled or fried?'

'I'm amazed they had ANY meat in them.'