Safety-conscious Cook T-Shirts

"It's so nice to gather and enjoy a simple home-cooked meal together."

T-Bones STEAK House...NO sissy salad bar!...Heimlich expert always on duty'

Honest Vending

'The TZ90C with triple boosted propane burners and a titanium mesh grill with carbon fibre casings is the only way to guarantee that genuine back to nature outdoor flavour.'

"Please don't kill me."

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

'Don't worry it's organic...'

The FDA studies 'Tobacco'.

'What a day! - the computer broke down, and I had to cook manually!'

'Beat 3,000 eggs and add one quart of 10-30W oil? So much for putting my recipes on the computer.'

"Uncle Tod's Reviews"

'Ooops! No got that wrong, those two chemicals should never be mixed...'

"Are there any reports of illness at this table?"

'Chef told me I had to have guard before I used the mixer!'

'Bless this food, and protect us from the pesticides and additives therein.'

"There's a free pudding for whoever finds the Chef's glass eye."

'Believe it or not you're our greatest liability Jones!'

"He bought a thermometer for me, and I'm not even sick."

'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.'

'I'll have the food scare of the day.'

person wearing heatproof suit for cooking

'You want the chili? - Have you had all your shots?'

"I still call it a custard tart but to be honest, it's a dairy free, soy fructose mix, with no nuts."

"Did you check the milk? I don't wanna get mad cow milk!"

"Why doesn't the budget ax ever fall in the produce department?"

"Sure, organic free-range poultry is more expensive, but consider all the guilt you're saving."

Food Uncertainty

Frankenfood farms: pest-resistant, fresher-longer, who-knows-what produce.

Self-help videos: Buns of steel & Buns of brioche.

"Here comes your tomato surprise, sir!"

Animal Crackers. What a mess! I have to check them all. The box says "Do not eat if seal broken" --- Does this look like a seal to you?

'There's an inspector here from the Board of Health who would like to see the chicken soup.'

'I thought he would run all sorts of scientific tests.'

'We're starting a new diet today -- do you want your tofu scrambled or fried?'

'I'm amazed they had ANY meat in them.'