Royalty Dining T-Shirts

'I think you'd enjoy the king crab, sir.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"You'll love this. It's swarthy yet munificent, didactic and gregarious with hints of dogma."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

"This place is one of New York's best-kept secrets."

King Henry and his Cheshire bride

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

'Why, of course I remember our first date -- I had filet mignon, potatoes au gratin, sauteed....'

"Well how about that. . . Lady Godiva bought a Harley!"

Ernie Studios. Hi, Ernie. What movies are you working on? We have a script about astronauts marooned on a planet filed with talking gorillas who are in hard economic times. I think I'll call it "The Apes of Wrath"! We're casting "Reignman." The central character is a savant monarch. And we're filming a movie about a suburban town populated by women with strange, long hair ... It's called "The Stepford Weaves."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'Sire, Sodom and Gomorrah are requesting Federal disaster relief aid.'

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

'You can just forget about the cake.'

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

The Grasshopper's Feast: A Prophetic Vision

'Don't look at me like that! You're the one who wanted to live in a bouncy castle!'

"I need a little more drama like a ten part mini-series."

"Tonight, perhaps Mrs. Lewis would prefer this quiet little table for two from which to send back her entrée?"

'At this rate I'll end up with more heirs than hairs!'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

Cut out and keep your own Christmas Caterer.

"It's a cage. It's gilded, and I love it."

'Don't be silly- of course you're going into the family business!'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

"Based on the feedback from advisers whom I haven't beheaded, all of my ideas are great."

King George I

"Compliments to the chef! Pass it on."

'Wait until you taste the artisanal water. It's not to be believed.'

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'How about a game of cards?'