Roommate Rascal Pillows

"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his and he caught yours."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

Speed Dating for Turtles

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

The Audacity of Fake Environmental Hope

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

Biofelineism

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

'Every piece of equipment is hooked up to battery cells in the basement, and we actually sell electricity back to the power company!'

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

'Are we broke yet?'

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Who gets the decaf?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"I don't care if you saw this in a western..."

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

I hate monday mornings.

"Have you been using 'Vanish' again?"

"Much ado list"

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.