Roommate Rascal Mugs

"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his and he caught yours."

Domestic Superheroes!!

Dear, could you please pick up some batteries? The ones in the remote are dead and I feel like I'm Amish.

DO Not Disturb (Except For Meals)

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"I finally found a use for that old home repair book..."

"The following programme contains scenes of a very noisy vacuum cleaner."

Biofelineism

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

"Who's taking my order—the committee of the whole, or is there a liaison for decaf?"

A man sees a leak in his ceiling and drills a hole in the floor under leak to by pass his apartment.

"It's the sequel to 'Cooking for One'."

"Someone’s in the kitchen. Did you lock up my kibble?"

"Lazy? I've been social-networking my ass off."

"Again, are you sure I didn't mention about bringing your own 3-D glasses?"

Things my vacuum likes to suck up

"Has the Wi-Fi seemed slow to you lately?"

'Are we broke yet?'

'Who gets the decaf?'

"It's not the paranormal activity that bothers me so much as the passive aggression."

'I installed all the floor tiles by myself. I did it all by tile and error.'

It's Your Turn to Do the Dishes Tonight!

"I don't care if you saw this in a western..."

It's not considered drinking alone if the cat is at home.

"Dammit Harold, you know I hate that mask!"

'I can't move in, Ted - your lifestyle is too modern. And your furniture is way too modern.'

"Who ordered a pizza?"

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work, I overslept.'

"Much ado list"

"Next time don't use a herbed vinegar."

I hate monday mornings.

"Oh, no - not another farmer's market!"