Real Estate Rascal Pillows

' ... and this is the half bath.'

'... and the house prices are still going up.'

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

"I don't care if you saw this in a western..."

'This model is hard to get parts for.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

Is this what they call inherent safety?

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

Home Maintenance - Decorating.

'How do people without a middle name know when the're in trouble?'

'Well I think everything is in order, congratulations on your new home!'

'You kids get out of this park right now and go play in traffic!!!'

'Break a leg.' - 'Thanks a lot.'

'Ruddy european labelling legislation'

Microwave - 'Table 19 sends compliments to the chef!'

"It's new. It's called a pre-tip. You pay me now and I'll actually bring your food before it's cold!"

"You do realize this may affect my review of you on Yelp?"

'Hey! Who left the television off?'

No child onboard. Don't drive carefully.

'I sent Ben to fly fishing school, now he's a menace to the whole stream!'

"Gloves off at the table please!" "They're not gloves, they're dirt!"

Boy throwing mud over a coachman's heels

"You'll never eat all that. Your problem is your eyes are bigger than your stomach."

"All my lunch money's in real estate."

'Melvin, you have so much lead in your pants you don't need an apron....

Weather forecasters tell lies!

'How impressive! I had no idea they awarded a Nobel Prize for home winemaking.'

"That's a semi-private room for you. You caught his and he caught yours."

Throwing snails into next door's garden

For the last time, Mr. Clooney - That's not what we do here.

'Look out! The landlord's arrived for his yearly tip.'

'I found a sure way to score at the races. Don't pick horses, pick pockets.'

"British Rail regrets the delay of......"

'As you haven't left the house in weeks, I'm having you arrested.'