Race Track Rascal Pillows

'I found a sure way to score at the races. Don't pick horses, pick pockets.'

(When I'm good I'm very very good, but when I'm bad I'm... Well….) (Horrid?)

'This model is hard to get parts for.'

"I don't care if you saw this in a western..."

' ... and this is the half bath.'

'There's so much I want to do with my life...before I reach the age of criminal responsibility, that is.'

As a reformed gunfight, Big Jake vowed never again to use an iron

Is this what they call inherent safety?

'Barry I think it's time you had your eyes checked!'

Home Maintenance - Decorating.

'How do people without a middle name know when the're in trouble?'

'A listener from Ridgeway asks, 'When visiting a friend, is it improper to drink out of the toilet unless asked first?' Good question...'

'Break a leg.' - 'Thanks a lot.'

'You kids get out of this park right now and go play in traffic!!!'

'Ruddy european labelling legislation'

"It's new. It's called a pre-tip. You pay me now and I'll actually bring your food before it's cold!"

Microwave - 'Table 19 sends compliments to the chef!'

Congestion Eases Inexplicably

'... and the house prices are still going up.'

'Hey! Who left the television off?'

No child onboard. Don't drive carefully.

Man: 'Oh for HEAVEN'S sake Zachary! WHAT have I told you about RUNNING THROUGH the house?!

'I sent Ben to fly fishing school, now he's a menace to the whole stream!'

'I'm afraid your 'giggle-pin's' gone on your 'laugh-shaft'!'

"Gloves off at the table please!" "They're not gloves, they're dirt!"

The Tour de Pants.

Boy throwing mud over a coachman's heels

"You'll never eat all that. Your problem is your eyes are bigger than your stomach."

'Melvin, you have so much lead in your pants you don't need an apron....

Weather forecasters tell lies!

'How impressive! I had no idea they awarded a Nobel Prize for home winemaking.'

A rally car crashes into hay bales.

For the last time, Mr. Clooney - That's not what we do here.

"British Rail regrets the delay of......"