Roofing Renegade Pillows

"Sorry you weren't happy with the original roof work Mr Simms. As a gesture of goodwill, I've replaced some tiles free of charge."

Jack of all trades

How can he sleep so comfortably knowing that pillow will someday be clogging a land fill...

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

That's supposed to say garage sale!

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

Aladdin's Less Magic Carpet Ride.

"I take it the toilet is fixed?"

A holiday at home

'Put your tools away. We can't afford to pay any more tradesmen to fix another of your botched DIY projects.'

Tractor Racing

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

'Yes you have to work Earth Day.'

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

Organized chaos.

Home maintenance

House hunting is cruel.

The Bland Leading the Bland

"Brilliant! And then all they have to do is stop them flying at night."

"You've opened my eyes to the most disgusting worldly delights."

'Can I assume from the rent that this place comes with its own butler?'

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

"The landlord has promised to sort out the damp problems."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

How did people work before computers? They grew food, made clothing and built stuff. Now all that is done outside the country. Not true. What about

"Yeah, these things smell disgusting, but if you line your nest with them, you get insulation and it helps to keep the eggs warm..."

"OK, let's see. For starters, the guarantee only covers the muffler."

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

Working in recovery of Hurricane

-You need a permit to fish here. -I'm doing okay with a worm, thank you

'Looks like Ed Miliband's attempt to stop the race failed.'

Exams