Risk-averse Parent Gifts

'Dammit, Tell! Practice on your own kid!'

"I don't care why you crossed the road! I do care however about "how" you crossed the road: without checking for cars first!"

First Steps

'Honey...you're spoiling that child.'

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

Humpty Dumpty wearing over-the-shoulder seat belt smiles smugly.

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

License, registration, and some I.D. for the small child watching what appears to be a completely inappropriate PG-13 movie in the back.

A safe is about to fall on an unsuspecting man interested in risk-free investments.

"My mom can be a little over-protective ... "

"I bought it on Amazon. They have a good return policy."

"Sweet dreams, Tim." "Mort Feldstein: Loving father and professional clown."

"No - wait, I haven't read them all yet..."

'Being omnivorous means we eat anything: That includes Brussel sprouts!'

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

'If you shoot your foot off don't coming running to me.'

We get so much produce from our farm share, I can't decide what to cook. Use everything! How about a stew with squash, peppers and corn in a zesty tomato base? Would your kids even put it on their plates? Of course! As long as it didn't touch the mac 'n' cheese.

'Maybe hard work 'never killed anyone' but why take the risk?'

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

"Lawsuits must really be getting out of hand."

"My mom says you can sleep on the top bunk if your parents will sign a release form."

'Please excuse my mother, this is my first interview.'

The room for adults who like to complain about children making noise at church

"This is a great investment, as long as you're not in it for the thrills and chills."

"I made this one a mom because she has two eyes behind her head."

It's so frustrating! They always stop acting evil the minute you start recording.

Bring my daughter back at 11 sharp or...

James never left his bed, seeing nothing but danger in the financial world.

"I didn't smoke, drank in moderation, exercised, ate kale, and yet, here I am."

"Of course I trust your judgement dear. But, it can't hurt to do a quick police check on your new boyfriend."

"Mom always was a helicopter mom, and now she's got a drone!"

'Dad - couldn't you miss just a little of my growing up?'

"Jimmy has helicoptor parents."

one final word. bring my daughter home at 11pm sharp or. . .