Risk-averse Parent Gifts

'Dammit, Tell! Practice on your own kid!'

"I don't care why you crossed the road! I do care however about "how" you crossed the road: without checking for cars first!"

First Steps

'Honey...you're spoiling that child.'

'...you'd better get yourself a good lawyer!'

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

"The last thing I remember was asking my broker if all my money had been in risk-free bonds."

Humpty Dumpty wearing over-the-shoulder seat belt smiles smugly.

A safe is about to fall on an unsuspecting man interested in risk-free investments.

"My mom can be a little over-protective ... "

'Being omnivorous means we eat anything: That includes Brussel sprouts!'

"I bought it on Amazon. They have a good return policy."

"Sweet dreams, Tim." "Mort Feldstein: Loving father and professional clown."

"No - wait, I haven't read them all yet..."

They're rich but not in a glamorous way. They're Certificate of Deposit rich.

'If you shoot your foot off don't coming running to me.'

'Maybe hard work 'never killed anyone' but why take the risk?'

I wish my baby came with suction cups so there was a place to put him while I shower.

"Lawsuits must really be getting out of hand."

"My mom says you can sleep on the top bunk if your parents will sign a release form."

'Please excuse my mother, this is my first interview.'

Bring my daughter back at 11 sharp or...

"This is a great investment, as long as you're not in it for the thrills and chills."

James never left his bed, seeing nothing but danger in the financial world.

"I didn't smoke, drank in moderation, exercised, ate kale, and yet, here I am."

"Jimmy has helicoptor parents."

"Mom always was a helicopter mom, and now she's got a drone!"

"Of course I trust your judgement dear. But, it can't hurt to do a quick police check on your new boyfriend."

'Dad - couldn't you miss just a little of my growing up?'

"I asked my Mom to drive me to school because the bus doesn't have airbags"