Retro Medical Humor Lover Gifts

'You're lucky. In my day the doctor beat you with a stick until your appendix fell out.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'You have a strawberry on your nose, I'll give you some cream to put on it!'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

The obstetrician doesn't need a close catcher...

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"I think it stopped breathing."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

Happy Birthday to you.

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'The doctor says he's going to have to give you a few more tests...'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

"Gross."

Operating Room Humor. Why are anesthesiologists assumed to be honest? Because numb-ers don't lie!

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."