Retro Medical Humor Lover Gifts

'You're lucky. In my day the doctor beat you with a stick until your appendix fell out.'

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'I really enjoyed my stay in the hospital - I never get served breakfast in bed at home.'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

'You have a strawberry on your nose, I'll give you some cream to put on it!'

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"Boy, do we hate to see this... I'm afraid your child's entire body is an 'innie'."

'I'm afraid that serves you right for not wearing your safety goggles!'

"Because we dismissed his original self-diagnosis, he wants to give us his second opinion."

"All my symptoms are old ... "

'Okay, Mom. I'm sorry I re-gifted one of the kidneys you gave me.'

The obstetrician doesn't need a close catcher...

Doctor performing an ultrasound on a Russian nesting doll

Happy Birthday to you.

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'

"I think it stopped breathing."

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

'Good thing it has a child-proof cap.'

'Your 'bad' cholesterol levels are right off the chart.'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'The doctor will acknowlege your existance now.'

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

"My first night in the lab and I was clearly the smallest brain in the place."