Retro Disciplinarian Gifts

'If I had talked to my folks like my kids talk to me?...My mom would have spanked me from Pikeville to Murray!'

"Next time you do your own homework!"

My Bookshelf Before the Internet

"I understand the revisionists are hot on your trail, Professor Delauney."

'Your parents are way too overprotective.'

1998: A Look Back

Raccoons! Single file into the crate! Snake! Back in your hole! Crickets! Keep it down! Animal Control Freak.

"Dad hasn't been the same since he went back to school."

Monk & Mandi: "I only obey twice a day."

"Mommy needs to get mad at you in a weird calm voice now."

"Use your phone once more during dinner...And I'll send you close-ups of my patients' wounds."

"You're a very good hall monitor, Billy, but we don't detain teachers."

"No, I said 'sit'."

"I wonder if the dumb obedience school gives a warranty..."

'It's not just drugs - Fenton has zero tolerance for everything!'

"How do you feel about plea bargaining?"

"Worms."

'The principal says her door is always open, until it slams shut when you're in there!'

"You just wait until your father gets home and adjusts your algorithm!"

"You got off easy. They put me under house arrest."

Dog training tip: always make sure humans go through the doorways first.

"They have this arrangement. He earns the money and she takes care of the house."

"Secure in their ignorance, medieval peasants were impervious to education, fearful of progress and lived on potatoes and cabbage. Thankfully, it's very different today. Now they've got burgers and fries."

The company gym's down the hall, but your resolve will be tested by running the gauntlet of snack machines.

"...And to those who have been naughty he doesn't bring any coal, just presents."

"We tell our kids to drink, smoke, dabble in recreational drugs and get a tattoo. Because they always do exactly the opposite of what we say."

'So, it's back to school! I remember when I was your age. . .'

'Our Damien was right, he is a very strict teacher!'

'Oh, I don't have an appointment to see the doctor. I'm doing a report on magazine trends in the 1970's.'

"For the last time! There is no 'Skip Ads' button for the morning announcements!"

"Your trouble is all those tiny time pills you took in the 1970s. The duds are like unexploded land mines."

'Yes, I'm counting on my fingers but then, isn't everything digital these days?'

Stupid cell phone. One more thing he hated about walking her yappy little dog.

"Mommy is going to stay 'On Message'. 'No'"

This house needs rules! ...so if you think of any you want to live by, just let us know.