Retirement Gifts

"I'd just like to know what in hell is happening, that's all! I'd like to know what in hell is happening! Do you know what in hell is happening?"

"These days, I'm mostly just legislating from the couch."

"By God, for a minute there it suddenly all made sense!"

'Run! 73 million baby boomers are about to retire!'

"You never think it's going to happen to you."

"What the hell did you do with your day before I retired?"

A middle aged man tries to stop time from slipping down an hourglass.

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

An old woman measuring the decreasing height of an old man using a height chart

Senior Mints

"I never thought turning eighty would be so much fun!"

A man reads the obituary and compares his age to the deceased.

'He's been keeping busy as usual, doing odd jobs around the house.'

'I love these senior citizen discounts.'

'I'm sorry Mrs. Jackson, but when you've become as excellent of a teacher as you are, you've forfeited your right to retire.'

"Enough!"

Who said romance is dead?

"Seventy-five isn't the new anything."

'I have a retirement plan... I'm going to get up every morning around 11am... hen make some cocktails... then, a nap...'

"Good news, honey - seventy is the new fifty."

'Congratulations! You've gone from a care-free baby-boomer, to a care-needy elderly person in record time!'

You know your getting old when you have to put on your reading glasses to trim your eyebrows...

"Right now, I'm between naps."

"Dude has got his s**t together!"

"He's an old dog."

'Our names aren't here so let's go for a drink!'

"Congratulations, sir, you've outlived the lot of them!"

"Retirement is great, and I don't miss the races really: I do miss the roar of the crowd though..."

"I think we're all agreed that we need to focus 110% on meeting strategic corporate goals."

Elderly man on phone in bed - 'Press 1 if you have bed sores, Press 2 if you need to go to the toilet...'

"I rolled my pension over and over and over, and now I have no idea where the hell it is."

"He's 104. He always comes back on his birthday - I worked out he'd be gone at 69."

'What's that noise?'

'Medicare part C provides care for the headaches caused by parts A, B and D.'

I can be upgraded, can you?