Resurrection Realist Gifts

"It's rose, not pink...Because Jesus rose from the dead. He didn't pink from it."

"The good news is you’re the only one we’re not firing ... the bad news is you’re the only one to run the department."

Road Forks in the Road: No Way and Yes Way.

"This is the World Bank? Somehow, I had pictured it differently."

"Son, the world is full of disappointments. About 7.7 billion of them."

Depressed Businessman at Office Christmas Party.

"It's a Wonderful Life" if it was written by scientists.

"You will bargain away what little integrity you have left for what little job security you can gain."

COVID Devotion

"You can't offend me. I never mix religion or politics with reality."

Recession

Platitudes for the hopelessly realistic. When life gives you lemons, get a gift receipt.

"Have you ever given any thought to what you're going to do after all your hopes and dreams are crushed?"

Woman talking romantically whilst man talks about measuring the scullery.

"Could you spare some change for a guy fresh off welfare?"

'Well, that's simplified the mission statement.'

Great moments in science. . . 'Nice work, you've isolated the funding gene.'

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

"The bad news is that we've had to cut most of the services. . . The good news is that we can now tell people in 23 languages what we don't do anymore!"

"I quit."

"Goodbye cruel world."

Dear Sadie, I'm just an aging Baby-Boomer who still believes in America, and sees all the good around me, but I don't understand why we've become so mean. How can I feel good about us again? Signed, Marlemarion. Great question. There's an easy answer as to how you can feel better about the world. Change your name to something normal! I just don't agree with the @#$% premise that we've gotten mean.

Inbox and Outbox

Squeezing a tight budget...

US Dollar weakens.

"I see fleeting moments of happiness in between extended periods of boredom and stress."

'The bad news is that the dollar is down -- the good news is that nobody seems to have any.'

'Look at my new overdraft its fantastic.'

Warning Being Alive On This Planet May Cause Cancer

"My new year's resolution. . . .Not to drink out of the toilet."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"Fourteen months ago, I started with H20. I just ended with H20."

"I need the saw again."

'I can't read my New Year's resolutions -- I must have spilled beer on them last night.'

"It breaks my heart to see you stressed out here at work, so you're fired."