Resume Polishers Pillows

"The online part of the interview was yesterday."

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

Do you have any other skills?

"I have a Bachelor's degree from Columbia, an MBA from Stanford, six years experience, and I'm a hell of a mouser."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"Your CV will be sufficient, Mr. Cooper."

"But what you call a track record I call ancient history."

"Your resume's very impressive, but we're looking for a financial wizard."

"Just as I thought! You used our competitor's paper for your resume!"

"On the contrary. For this position we're looking for someone who can think 'inside the box'."

"Your answers sound rehearsed."

"You have a killer resume, Phil, but unfortunately, we have all the dead wood we need right now."

'I like the part of your resume where you didn't ask for a raise for 10 years.'

'I'm sorry, but you have a very impressive resume, and at this company, we find competence threatening.'

"If I'd known you were not looking for experience I wouldn't have lied on my CV."

"And just how long have you been, 5' 10"?"

"Well, there's your problem right there -- you need to sauté the onions in white wine before adding the ginger."

"It says here you can think on your feet. What happens when you sit down?"

"I told you not to polish the car too much."

"I can work for twelve straight hours without needing to be recharged."

'Qualifications aside, Mr Thumb, this is the cutest resume I've ever seen.'

"I'm fascinated by your résumé, particularly the advertising supplement."

"Your curriculum vitae is extremely detailed, isn't it? I don't quite know what to make of the fact that your third-grade teacher, Miss Hartley, made you stand in the corner for throwing an eraser although another kid did it."

"You're overqualified. Could you dumb it down a little?"

'You're hired. Go figure.'

'Why yes, the resume is a very important basis for who we hire.'

"Very nice résumé. Leave a sample of your DNA with my secretary."

"This is quite an impressive resume. Any chance I can work for you?"

PERSONNEL, 'Any awards or honors OTHER than being the valedictorian of your remedial class?'

"I recently upgraded my resume-writing software."

"You have excellent academic credentials and a wonderful work history but we try not to profile people."

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

'Your resume doesn't contain a single falsehood or stretching of the truth. Sorry, but you're not what we're looking for in our PR department!'