Restaurant Critic Fantasy Gifts

"...and you!? Did you like yours?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Dog Dressed to Eat

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'