Resource Manager Gifts

'...so you need us to slow time, break the law and perform three miracles...by next Tuesday. You need to dial extension 101 and ask for the Wizard of Oz!'

"I've just finished that report on 'Cost Savings through Resource Sharing'...It'll be ready for distribution as soon as I can get the stapler back from the Droitwich office."

"People often think management is glamorous, that we spend all our time engaging in high profile decision making."

Blowing dust off an order book.

"With the constraints upon the budget I've had to make some savings...In future I'll be allocating fixed assets on the basis of URGENCY and adherence to application protocols."

'Managing finance is integral to this post. How would you respond to a perfectly reasonable request for extra funds?'

"I think someone's been overfeeding The sacred Cow lately."

How judicious you are/How thin you spread it

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

British savings accounts

'We invest so much money in training staff...it's a mystery to me why businesses would risk losing them.'

"Marshall, somewhere out there, just waiting for us, is a loophole in the system."

Businesswoman Empowerment

'It has come to my attention that we need to hedge against our five-year plan.'

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

"No training period, but you can purchase my instructional video on line for $49.95."

"Stop the throw-away mentality! Save resources! A New Year every 750 days is quite enough!"

'Salaries Manager. No.'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

Scarcity

Recruiting litigation lawyers is ALWAYS tricky..my last one took me to court for the emotional and professional damage I caused him by NOT considering him for a position I wasn't asked to fill.

Servant brings king skateboard on pillow.

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

"The desktop skills test was a little worrying,56% couldn't manage 'Word' 75% were confused by 'Excel' and 43% wanted to know what channel 'Eastenders' was on."

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

"It's not the first time he'd been warned about wearing a long tie when leaning over the shredder."

The Corporate Ladder and the Corporate Elevator.

'You're right. Our old safety files have become a safety concern.'

'Your decade of experience is, unfortunately, from the wrong decade.'

Meat Grinder

Clients who show up early for an appointment are really annoying ??" especially when you work from home.

'...we have every new employee spend time on our assembly line. Eight hours, no breaks.'

'Perkins, we're getting rid of some of the dead wood around here.'

"Where we lack in productivity is made up by extremely low employee turnover."

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."