Resolution Reviser Gifts

"New Year's Resolutions: 1. Stop boiling tortured souls in vats of oil. 2. Stop frying the flesh of sinners in the fire of eternal damnation. 3. Lose weight."

"They're having a fight over how best to handle client conflict."

Once upon a time and a half. Buick and the Beast.

'I'm writing my New Year's resolutions.' - 'I resolve to finish everything that I start.'

'Let it go. Get on with your death.'

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

"New Year's resolutions are fine, but we should really focus on squad goals."

"The changes in the rules for risk management will turn the industry on its head."

My resolution this year? Getting in shape so I can lift my favorite snacks!

Nutty Assistants

'At midnight we want to move to the non-smoking section so my husband can keep his New Year's resolution.'

"I feel like all I did in January was work out, eat healthy, strive for meaningful and balanced relationships, and improve my sleep schedule -- thank god that nightmare's over."

'I'm graphing the likelihood of me keeping this New Year's resolutions based on all of my previous resolutions. It doesn't look good for me.'

'Honestly you could drive a 'coach and horses' through this document, there's no definition of 'weight loss', no time frame, no sanctions.'

'I'm here to sign up for a membership since the muscle shirt didn't work.'

"Passive-aggressive musical chairs." "You sit. I don’t deserve to" "I couldn’t possibly." "Maybe two of us could share." "Someone else go first." "I actually prefer standing."

"THIS YEAR I'M GOING TO GET IN SHAPE."

Gym Resolutions

"I'm starting my diet today."

"Genesis" "*The King Gus Version"

"That's your best shot at a New Year's resolution? Stop flushing dental floss down the toilet?"

"If only he made goals all of the time instead of just at the beginning of the year."

New Year's Resolutions...

New Years Resolution

"I'm giving up taking selfies for New Year."

"I haven't change my New Year's resolutions, just the year I'll do them."

'Our 'Resolution Membership' is a no-obligation contract, complete with unscheduled workouts and spotty routines that fit anyone with weak, annual ambitions.'

Maybe you should have called them "The Ten New Year's Resolutions" --- that way they might have lasted at least a couple of weeks.

Gym'll Fix It

New Years Resolutions...Must not exploit my position to gorge on unearned wealth...

Every year it's the same thing. I resolve to lose a ton and you say you're going to control your anger.

But Mum, you said write down your resolutions. (Child has written on the wall in makeup).

"Can I call you back? I'm decluttering."

'What's so funny?' 'I told them I'm stopping drinking in the new year.'

Do things better. I've found that, ironically, the key to a good definition is to avoid high-definition.