Resolute Foodie Gifts

"Oh well. . . another New Year's resolution shot!"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Self Service Restaurant: 'Where do you keep the eggs?'

"Repent" "Give alms" "Resist temptation" "Pray for me" "Fasting" "Acts of service" "Sacrifice" "Abstain" "You are ashes" "You are dust" "No meat"

'Now that's what I call a kebab... a skewer with whole pies!'

Kitchen Kapers

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'I go to St. Patrick's Church, I go to St. Patrick's School, and my name is Patrick. Is it also necessary for me to eat green food?'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Uh-oh. My inner GPS is recalculating."

Benihana style of cooking.

Important Food Groups

The Streets - Night

Burnt or Raw?

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

Waitress to church leader: 'It's your daily bread, Pastor. Remember? You ordered the prayer breakfast.'

Would you be willing to sign something regarding the fat content of your burger? Like what? My colon.

Pasta

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

'You want to eat out tonight? -- What if we get addicted to good food?'

"The secret of my success is combining eggs, meat and bread in enough ways to make an eight page breakfast menu."

"I didn't invent the wheel. I invented the pizza."

"As you can guess, Rico is my role model."

North Fork, the town too tough to diet.

"Can you reinvent the classic grilled cheese for me?"

Will work for Food Network.

"If He didn't want us to eat it, why'd He wrap the whole thing in bacon?"

"More croutons, sir?"

Tomorrow we'll cheer the fourth of July! Picnics with families mean hot dogs to buy! Flags will be waving so proudly up high! And fireworks displays will light the night sky which Frank will miss due to way too much pie! Pie Eating Contest!

"Why do parishioners only eat half their donuts???" "Partial indulgence."

"Since you're into burnt offerings you should come over some Sunday for one of her special dinners."

"How did I find my lamb chop? Well, I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

Chef's Specials - Hissy Fits, Shouting and Swearing, Pompus Indigestion.

'Would you like that organic, locally grown, carbon neutral, fair trade, trans fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free and peanut-free?'

'Ah, Garbanzo, truly you are a noble bean.'