Research Comedian Gifts

"Caution! Now entering the margin of error."

Albert Einstein

"I still haven't decided if I want to be unemployed as an English major or as a Communications major."

Math 101, for those who can only count to 100.

'I hope I run out of money before I flunk out.'

'It says I missed freshmen Orientation and I have to take it in summer school in order to graduate.'

'This is embarrassing. By MY calculations, the universe should have collapsed in on itself last Wednesday.'

"Sorry, website closed for lunch."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'When I was studying animal husbandry, I met the animal who became my husband.'

"I just haven't been feeling very omnipotent lately."

'Hey, that one looks just like a visible mass of condensed water vapour floating in the atmosphere.'

"Between you, Alexa, and Siri, I'm just in a house surrounded by women who think they know everything."

'In the alternate universe I've come up with, everything would be exactly the same except cats would bark.'

'We froze him until medical science knows how to cure spear wounds.'

"....and then it turned out that the e-mail I ignored that I got from the Nigerian bank offering me £200 million was REAL!"

Don't you hate...

'I'm on the short degree course... hell of a lot to pack into one year!'

'In conclusion, I hope you all go out there, get well-paying jobs, and give lots of tax-deductible gifts to our alumni fund.'

Scientists continue their research on the Hippocampus.

'Catch this!'

'You knew I was a mad scientist when you married me!'

SOUTH AFRICAN MUTANTS LAUGHING FIT

"I just tweeted a chirp."

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'As far as we can tell, the system went down because someone stepped on a crack in the sidewalk.'

'It's a government funded study to find out how many wrongs make a right.'

Try again - Your password has to include barks, growls, whines and at least one yap.

'Some hackers have broken into the system. It goes in as molten steel, and it comes out as chicken gumbo soup.'

Working On Silly String Theory.

"I think our daughter should change her major. She can now ask for money in 3 different languages!"

"For the hundredth time—I have no idea how to make crystal meth."

"Mom, Dad, college changed me."

"The Internet puts the world at your finger tips."

''Time is an illusion'? - How long did it take you to come up with that?'