Report Master Gifts

"Will you stop 'tutting' until I've finished my report."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

'That's not speaking, that's barking Try again'

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

Charities should investigate whether published reports are 'Misleadingly Positive'.

'I didn't write the book report. I downloaded and printed it directly from the Internet, but I did collate and staple it myself.'

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

During his financial report to the board of directors, Ted hits the poignancy button by mistake.

'Tommy's book reports are like no other.'

'I didn't expect to have remote controls here.'

"I'll need some distracting hilarity on the borders of my quarterly report."

"This universal remote is awesome. It controls the tv, cable, stereo, computer, garage door. . ."

"And this all happened in the last week..."

'This is gobbledygook. I asked for mumbo-jumbo.'

"More specifically, we're looking for someone to take care of things that are bound to happen eventually."

"Very amusing, Robertson, if I were the type to be amused."

"What? You were expecting good news? Expectations are so-o-o-o passe."

'I'll give you this, Hargrove - Your report was a perfect blend of cliches, banalities and platitudes.'

'I would have had these reports done sooner, but someone rolled a ball with a bell inside it into my cubicle.'

"Worked all weekend to finish the report, and all I get is a stupid Pat on the back."

The UN Forest. . . after its latest 3000 page climate report is released.

"I can never seem to get my report in on time!"

'My son is studying communications in college. He never writes, calls, texts, or emails his parents.'

"...there's not a single shareholder...who will be able to understand any part of it!"

'Well done! I've never heard anyone slip from jargon into gibberish and out again with such ease!'

Good report, Morton, work on it a little more until it sounds like one of mine.

Mind control

'How long have you had that toupee?'

'Overwhelm the facts with interpretation and have it on my desk Thursday.'

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

'It says here that machine learning finds fake news with 88% accuracy. I think from now on I really need to edit my reports before I turn them in.'

"No, this movie isn't dragging. You've got it on 'pause'."

Servant talking to her old master about her new position

"I actually know more commands than I respond to."