Renovation Renegade Gifts

'I don't care if they are cheaper...we're not using them!'

Celebrity Cowboy Builders - As exposed on TV.

Paint/Paint Remover, Glue/Glue Remover...

'We could either give you a $50,000 home improvement loan, or $2,000 to just blow your house up.'

Organized chaos.

'The carpet's too thick so I cut a bit off the door.'

DIY store.

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Housekeeping - No. VI

'I'd like a full report on my office paint job.'

Paint stripping using a blowtorch can be a risky business...

Sistine Chapel - Extreme Makeover: 'Blue's good but lets loss all the clouds and the drama.'

'Just use some extra strength spackle.'

A holiday at home

"If it please Your Honor, may I redo the bench?"

'Apart from his awful workmanship, my hubby's handy work is fine.'

"I'll never understand wallpaper."

How did people work before computers? They grew food, made clothing and built stuff. Now all that is done outside the country. Not true. What about

"We'll take it from here Gramps." "Yeah, you guys are just so antiquated." "Power 'Tools'"

Jack of all trades

The dumpster code - find something, leave something.

"I said to myself, 'Maybe I can't change the world, but I can remodel my bathroom.' "

That's supposed to say garage sale!

Frank and Ernie's Diner. We're all out of pressed duck, sir, but I can put the squeeze on some chicken for you.

"Maybe the termite problem should take precedence over the chimney problem."

"I take it the toilet is fixed?"

'This is Bob - our secret agent of change.'

Man in office, desk covered in computer equipment, uses floor for photos, desk pads etc.

'Put your tools away. We can't afford to pay any more tradesmen to fix another of your botched DIY projects.'

"I found the perfect summer job! 'Greet people at retail store. Company uniform required. Must be able to carry small children.' How hard can that be?"

"Give him his food."

"I can't have anything that's a food."

Home maintenance

"Let me give you the Heimlich. That always gets the waiter's attention."

"Brilliant! And then all they have to do is stop them flying at night."

"That's my performance review!? Two thumbs up?"