Reluctant Presenter Pillows

'We don't want to give the presentation. We don't know that much stuff.'

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

"Isn't us talking about how I would never take a ballroom dancing class an activity we're doing together?"

'Thanks for the invitation, but I can never seem to find the energy to party...'

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

'Derek's a big fan of resisistance workouts. He always resists working out.'

'You heard! There's no way I'm cooking for you!'

"You're going to the Partner's Social whether you like it or not!"

"Go join your coach and the rest of your team. I'll be watching from the bar."

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

"My art speaks for itself."

'Today was a bit of a disaster.' - 'First I cut my finger and bled everywhere, then I lost my plaster while I was cooking.' - 'Do you want the last bowl of pumpkin soup?' - 'No, it's okay. You go for it.'

'You were talking in your sleep again.'

The Imperfect Hostess

'I'm home from a mind-numbing day at the office, ready to watch some mind-numbing TV.'

'He loves all sports, he can sit and watch others do it all day.'

"Next up is Alex's dad who's going to tell us all about the job that he has and feels desperately trapped in."

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.

"Oh man. Tia Carmen's making that soup with all those weird vegetables."

Recipes From The "I Really, REALLY Hate To Cook" Cookbook

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

"Say, Honey, I forgot to tell you that the Snootmyers called...they'll be over for drinks in twenty minutes!"

Trying to get kids into sports

Armstrong, I've worked here for a long time and I think I deserve a raise. How about it? I'll give you an Indian Ocean raise, minion. How does an Indian Ocean raise of $2 an hour sound? Fun fact: The Indiana Ocean's on the opposite side of the world, so its "up" is our "down." I don't think that's how "up" works, boss. "Relativity" is just a theory.

"I really should call my mother — I just don’t want to talk to her."

'What? You mean I ran all the way here and got all that exercise for nothing?'

"The doctor said jogging would 'add ten years to your life...' He was right - I feel ten years older...!!"

'I love Saturdays. . . why couldn't this happen on Monday and ruin a work day?'

Meet the non-author! Noted scholar who never gave a hoot to write a book!

"I really don't like poetry."

'What do you mean 'what time are we leaving?' - we've only just got here...'