Reluctant Joiner Pillows

A brand new day finds Fred, as usual, happily sitting on the sidelines of his own life.

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

'Well, the magic of Christmas is officially over, unless it includes waking up to a septic tank backup.'

"The holidays are finished George, get over it!"

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

The middle school mile claims its first victim.

John was bck from extended leave, but he hadn't quite got in the swing of things yet.

'As long as I stand here I'm safe. . . no stress. . . no pressure. . . no need to impress. . . I can just relax and be who I am. . .'

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

Hot flashes

Stop staring at that screen saver!

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

'There's nothing on the telly!'

You'll need all your energy when you get home.

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

"Should I fix it or call it a water feature?"

Man ignores DIY book and instead reads book entitled: 'Get someone else to do it'.

"I hate these walkabouts. Did you remember to get me some corn plasters?"

"The only thing I like more than running is everything else."

'Dang it Sharif, I told you we shouldn't built the jacuzzi on an ancient bee burial ground.'

"My art speaks for itself."

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

"My physical therapist says this is the worst possible position you can lie in."

The Imperfect Hostess

"I can catch up with all the chores my wife wants done over the Labor Day weekend."

This week, House Manager Blowviatt has been asked to avoid the appearance of playing to the cameras.

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

We're actually looking for someone who just wants to get out of the house.

'This getting fit is killing me.'

"Say, Honey, I forgot to tell you that the Snootmyers called...they'll be over for drinks in twenty minutes!"

Knowing that he was holding yesterday's 7 million lottery ticket,,,

"Baldo, I need you to take this out to the dumpster."

"Back from your jog already? I thought you were going to go for the burn."

"I really should call my mother — I just don’t want to talk to her."

"Dr. Garcia is ordering to make a lot of changes in my life."