Religious Humor Gifts

"Peace on earth. Goodwill to all men and who ordered the triple cheese with extra pepperoni?"

Moses' First and Last Day as a Lifeguard...

'Holy-Kanoly' makes his infamous 'Leap-of-Faith' jump.

"We'd like to share a message about Dog."

'He may be the Messiah, but he's no Springsteen.'

'I had to have my pacemaker readjusted since I asked Jesus into my heart.'

'By the way, Mrs Wilson. Why haven't I seen you in church lately.'

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

"And on the eighth day, God sat back with a scotch and soda and waited for the critical reviews."

"Well, that certainly killed my buzz."

"You call this a constitution?"

"Sometimes Peter I wish it would just stay as water."

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

Dogma

"I certainly trust this meal is kosher."

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

Pope tarts.

'The Brothers of the Order of Saint Orson, patron saint of fried foods'

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'Well, there go all MY plans....'

United Church of OMG

'Those are a few jokes to loosen up the crowd first...how do you like 'em?'

"Does the ark have wifi?"

'Please take your receipt!'

Sermon Applause.

"Since we now have a leaking roof problem, it might be a good time to schedule baptisms."

'Nice try, but Disneyland isn't a foreign mission.'

Paul was Generally Considered the Cutest Apostle

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

'This business about the meek inheriting the Earth -- can't anything be done about it?'

'What are you giving up for Lent this year?' - 'Anchovies.' - 'I thought you hated anchovies?' - 'I do. Care for a cookie instead?' - 'Lent is supposed to be about challenge and sacrifice!' - 'Play to win, Baby!'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

"Pastor Bob is the leader of the flock, son, not the herd."