Relationship Talk Gifts

"I never said 'I love you'. I said 'I love ya'. Big difference!"

"Margo, I think it's time we talked about us."

"We've been avoiding it for way to long. We really need to have a face-to-face text."

'I need to know where I stand, Ursula.'

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

"My monthly screen time went up from 62 hours to ‘Holy #@!*’."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'... And it's been ages since he last swashed his buckle!'

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"The whole time we were dating, he kept saying, 'You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!"

"Do you want to suddenly decide we need a waffle maker?"

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"Yeah. But he's a handful."

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"Why can't you just learn to floss like other men?"

"I've learned something about you tonight, Alan. You say 'chowmein' when you mean 'lomein'."

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

WHO checklist

"Do we go out or do we stay home and open a can of worms?"

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

"Helen, I have decided to seek a change of venue, since it has grown increasingly obvious that I can no longer get a fair trial in this household."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

'Charles, you're carrying this 'king of the castle' business too far!'

Preying mantis marriage councellor.