Relationship Roasters Pillows

"Yes, a table for three: me, him and his ego."

"Cheers! Well, this is exciting. I've never had a dinner date with a duck before." "Relax, honey. I'm just here for the bread."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Jackie, why does your relationship status read ‘capitulated to’ me?!"

"She's in a conversationally induced coma."

"They met in the express-checkout lane at the A.&P. and have slowed down only occasionally ever since."

"Perhaps later on we can go back to my psychiatrist's office for some couples therapy?"

"You owe me five bucks."

That may well be how the catalk models do it, but I still think you look like a three legged horse in a field of cowpats!

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

"Remember back in the day when I was a real heartbreaker?" "Riiight... now the only thing you break is wind."

"This will be hilarious!"

"...until death do you a favor."

The prying mantis,

'Life is all attitude: 45 seconds of enjoying it...45,000 hours of regretting it...'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'That was close...hit me right in the wallet.'

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"Oh no. Is that my ex?"

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

"I want to be straight with you, Cathy—I've gone through a number of cars in my life."

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'Scratch 3 and 5. 3's had a fight and 5's just going to live together instead.'

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

A cartoonist at the doctor, in yoga, at home and in therapy

'Remember you told me to be friendly to your boss.'

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"All the good ones are either married, gay or Viggo Mortensen."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

'Since I met you I can't eat...I can't drink...I'm broke.'

"I do love you, Jerry, but it's somewhere below the conscious level."