Relationship Counselor Appreciator Pillows

"I know what'll make you feel better."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

Relationship Warning Lights

"You've changed."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

You're the botanicals in my gin

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

Layer cake

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

Nothing to say! Wouldn't wanna hear about it anyway!

"Now look, Frank, Molly, there's nothing wrong with a Polar Bear and a Penguin being in a relationship. In fact, in my experience, Polar opposites attract!"

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

"It will be all your fault."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

Catch and release dating.

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."