Relationship Counselor Appreciator Pillows

"I know what'll make you feel better."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

Relationship Warning Lights

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"You've changed."

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

Layer cake

You're the botanicals in my gin

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

Nothing to say! Wouldn't wanna hear about it anyway!

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

Catch and release dating.

'And the life of man, solitary, poore, nasty, brutish, and short.' -- Thomas Hobbes, 'I dated a guy like that once.'

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

"It will be all your fault."

'I want to start by having you take separate staycations.'

"Now look, Frank, Molly, there's nothing wrong with a Polar Bear and a Penguin being in a relationship. In fact, in my experience, Polar opposites attract!"

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

"Ultimately, we realized we share too many app subscriptions not to make it work."

"After six marriages I learnt my lesson and married my divorce lawyer."