Relationship Counsellor Enthusiast Pillows

"It's so silly. Now I can't even remember why I killed him."

'Progress of a bookshelf'

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"And do you, Deborah Tannen, think they know what they're talking about?"

"Sure, it's more efficient. But I still miss shooting the arrows."

"You've changed."

Relationship Warning Lights

Relationship counselor: 'She started behaving strangely, and our man-machine interface has become unpredictable.'

"No, I really DO love you. It's just that my committee has some issues."

"You've reached Randy the love doctor. What ails you?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Will you listen to the same three anecdotes until one of you dies?"

Paint pots in love

"I don't know about you, but I'm ready to take this marriage full-throttle."

"I need him to stop think and start listening."

"When I ask questions, I expect answers!"

"I recommend that you two find a way to spice up your shelf life."

"We hope seeing a marriage counselor maybe could make one of us less stubborn!"

"What I’ve learned is you have to look deep inside your heart and ask yourself, ‘What is it that she really wants to hear?’"

"How do I love thee….? Let me count the ways…" "I'm going to want a recount."

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

"I don’t know how many ways I can explain it. One morning you’ll just wake up and know that you’re in love."

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

Urns in love

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

'Mona Lisa, would it make you happy if I gave you a foot massage every night?'

'...till death, or a really huge argument over ringtones, do you part.'

Catch and release dating.

Is this Randy the Love Doctor? Speaking. What ails you, brother? My wife doesn't have a job. The other night she told me it'd be nice if I helped out a little more at home. So I replied "hey, I don't ask you to come to my place of business and do my job for me." I see. Have you tried the "act like I never said it and wait for her to forget it" routine? Yes, sir. I also, tried the "don't-make-eye-contact-until-she-forgets-it" maneuver. I'm running out of ideas.

"I'm not laughing at you, dear-I'm laughing with everyone but you."

'Have you two taken the COSMO 'compatibility test'?'

"It will be all your fault."

"Now look, Frank, Molly, there's nothing wrong with a Polar Bear and a Penguin being in a relationship. In fact, in my experience, Polar opposites attract!"

Planned Parenthood: Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.