Relationship Comic Appreciators Gifts

"It's my autobiography. I call it, 'I Married Her For Her Money, And Other Gross Miscalculations'."

"We first met on the net. We began to court, but between my foul mouth and Wilson being on the rebound...let's just say it was a long shot, but he pressed, and I was defenseless. Now, we're as 'hoopy' as can be."

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

Cow being force fed hormones and producing milk.

"A word of advice, sir...when your wife reaches for another slice of pizza, never, ever say, 'Are you sure you should be eating that?'"

'Sorry'

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

'I'm leaving my wife because of another woman. Her mother.'

"I'm sorry your wife doesn't understand you, but this is a dry cleaner's."

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

'Actually thursday'll be a perfect time to come by Penny. That way you'll finally get the chance to meet my other half.'

New, Improved Cat

'Sometimes it's not a very good idea to be indecisive.'

"You have to get up early tomorrow, too? We have so much in common!"

'I swear I didn't know you'd heard that joke before...'

"Can I start you all off with my cheesy alimony saga?"

"This is a good start! You both agree that the marriage needs some new spark!"

"I've got pride but no shame."

Self-Esteem Clinic.

"Of course you don't look anything like your reflection in the mirror."

"Who wants to go for walkies?"

'S**t!'

Hypnotizing Women

Well there's something you don't see every day...

'Put the sword back in the stone right now, little girl, and we'll pretend this never happened.'

I was expecting something else when you said nuptial agreement!

"I picked him up cheap on eBay."

"Let's go for the four-slot toaster."

"I dumped my stable companion, he was seeing another pony!"

'I told you to be careful near my piercings, Gavin - they're not beer can ring pulls, you know!'

"Are you nuts? This is what I do."

"You mean the rumours she dated a Flamingo are true?"

Must you people always call during dinner? - Grim Reaper on the phone.