Relationship Check-up Pillows

'Sex is good!'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

"We don't talk anymore."

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"When it comes to loving someone, I never seem to get it right."

Opinion Dislodgement Disorder (ODD).

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"And the next thing I knew, I was kissing her, and two of her friends, I think one was a dude, then we all did Ecstasy, rented a limo, and went to Vegas—but I swear that's all that happened."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

"Marriage, mortal combat. Tomato, tomahto."

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

"This isn't working out, Henry...I'm a social butterfly and you're just an annoying little moth!"

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

"If you love me you'd eat all the coconut ones I don't like."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with his lungs anyway."

'I still love you - I just think we need some time away from each other.'

'Yes, I'm a drone and don't do much, but she's a workaholic!'

"You mean you're just going to throw 274 mortgage payments out the window?"

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

"I just feel like we're not connecting."

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"