Relationship Check-up Gifts

'Sex is good!'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"If i were to kiss you then there is a 17% probability that we might get married and that has a 24% likelihood that we'd have children with a 34% change of divorce...I'm not sure I can risk it."

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

man fishing at a dock sees a billboard: Do You Know It's Anniversary

"We don't talk anymore."

"My wife complains that I'm cold and self-serving."

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'Well I wouldn't have to fake orgasms if you didn't fake foreplay!'

"Once again Tony and I are not on the same page. Things in our marriage are definitely not ‘great’."

"When it comes to loving someone, I never seem to get it right."

Opinion Dislodgement Disorder (ODD).

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"That's no death grimace, Perkins. I think what we're seeing is a 2.8 million-year-old tight smile of spousal event obligation!"

"He can never take anything serious. Everything's a joke."

'Thou shall not covet the neighbours same sex partner.'

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

"And the next thing I knew, I was kissing her, and two of her friends, I think one was a dude, then we all did Ecstasy, rented a limo, and went to Vegas—but I swear that's all that happened."

'Yes, but at least I don't fake the whole relationship.'

"I will refute my wife's allegations that I'm a work obsessed pedant with the aid of a slideshow presentation."

'She's left herself go: She has barnacles everywhere now...'

"My ex wife is a heart surgeon. . . she ripped my heart out!"

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

"This isn't working out, Henry...I'm a social butterfly and you're just an annoying little moth!"

"Now we'll see what my husband has to say about this!"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with his lungs anyway."

'I still love you - I just think we need some time away from each other.'

"If you love me you'd eat all the coconut ones I don't like."

"You mean you're just going to throw 274 mortgage payments out the window?"

'Yes, I'm a drone and don't do much, but she's a workaholic!'

"I just feel like we're not connecting."

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

"Till death do us part? Hey, I thought this was just supposed to be a starter marriage!"