Check-up Gifts

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

"You need to see a specialer. They're like specialists, but less so."

"Don't forget to deduct 2 pounds for my clothes and 5.5 ounces for my phone."

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'It's just a side effect of the anti-anxiety medication. Try not to worry your pretty little head about it.'

Brain Check

"We'll need to vent your spleen."

"Your good cholesterol has come under the influence of your bad cholesterol."

"Well, I have some good news and some lab results."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with his lungs anyway."

An Ace of Hearts going in for a check-up.

'The pain is just Nature's way of telling you not to get COCKY.'

"You're in excellent health...until we can prove otherwise."

"When I ask 'What is the nature of your complaint?' I am referring to your health, rather than the selection of magazines in the waiting room."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

'Oh, relax - you're doing great for your age...but I am a little concerned about out computer's old operating system.'

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

"I try to 'go with the flow' doc, but my prostate is an unwilling participant!"

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

'It's not my fault that I've developed habits that cannot be sustained.'

'The needle was THIS big!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'