Health Checkup Gifts

The second opinion was even worse than the first.

'I said my hormones are playing up again! Why don't you pay attention?'

'I had a mammogram this morning. I think if I have a few more, I may be able to touch my toes without bending my knees.'

"It's not that you've chosen the wrong diet, it's just that you're not meant to eat them all at once!"

"Each of these beeps is aheart beat, not an incoming e-mail"

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

'How's your liver?', 'Okay for now, but my doctor told me to take it easy.'

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

'It seems the only thing you have passed is a stool!'

'You're just like everybody else these days - disgustingly healthy!'

'You're not totally out of shape - you have a very muscular tongue.'

'There is a mole on your back, but I don't think it's anything you need to worry about.'

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'I've got a problem.'

"I do stay in shape. This is the shape I stay in!"

"The stress test was waiting for me for hours."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"According to your lab results, eating ANYTHING is a guilty pleasure."

"Either you give up all that unhealthy stuff and live another 30 years or you go on as before, have a blast for about 10 or 11 years and then die happy, satisfied and drunken."

'Hey, if you want a great prostate exam, come to Suite 1200.'

'I'll need your age and weight, but be assured we'll keep them between us.'

"I don't test very well."

"More exercise?? I watch people exercise on TV all the time!"

'I had a larger sample for you but I had trouble getting the lid back on. . .'

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

Taking blood pressure

"Cold heart, hot flashes, lukewarm faith...congratulations...you look like Hell!"

"Take up some light exercise or a sporting activity - as a football perhaps."

Drinking Conversion Chart

"We have to talk."

"If you were a building, I'd say you suffer from deferred maintenance."

"Well, as we thought, it's something gross."

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"You will live a long and healthy life if you abstain from anything that brings you joy."