Relationship Advice Givers Pillows

"Men are animals! Yes, but some make lovely pets."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

'You know too much!'

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Window Treatment

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"I traded his corncob pipe and his button nose for a buttoned lip, and things couldn't be better."

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

Adam and Eve: Reconcilable Differences

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

What Guys Say and What They Mean,

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

WHO checklist

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

What should we do this fine Sunday? I have an idea. Let's spend the day staring at each other and using pet names. Ahem. You affection is making us ill! They're upset, Monkey Bear. You're so handsome. We're trying to eat!

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

"My computer just texted me."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

'Honestly! You really ought to see someone about that cough of yours.'

'You've changed since we got married.'