Relationship Advice Givers Pillows

"Men are animals! Yes, but some make lovely pets."

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'You know too much!'

'The problem is, she's so damn crabby.'

Try Mediation

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

Window Treatment

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

Adam and Eve: Reconcilable Differences

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

"My computer just texted me."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

WHO checklist

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

'You've changed since we got married.'

'If you must know, yes, I do sometimes fake purring.'