Relationship Advice Explorer Gifts

I think my brother Lars is trying to steal away my girlfriend, Dr. Kapuchnik. But she's imaginary, AL. He has very low standards.

"What's that? I asked for a teal lichen. That's a brown thread. Are you trying to upset me?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'My understanding of psychiatry is that women fantasiss and men internalise - in fact I'd like to internalise right now.'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

'Charlie is the first to admit that he's too old for me.'

'You know too much!'

"Why don't you find a museum!"

"I feel we haven't moved beyond parallel play."

"Is that true, Charles? You leave your crap all over the house?"

"OK, fine. Perhaps 'sower of discord in the lower depths of hell' was overstating it."

'Uh, Dad - My wife thinks she and I should have a mountain of our own.'

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"Is this Randy the Love Doctor?"

"Sometimes I like to come here by myself and contemplate ... or just scream about you."

Tunnel of Love/Tunnel of Marriage

"You can’t just go up the waterspout whenever you hear something you don’t like!"

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

Battle of the sexes in a relationship

'...In functionality and in dysfunctionality....'

'When we first met there was a chemistry between us. These days though, it's more of a 'chemistry set'.'

"Are you crazy? I can’t tell her that!"

'Jane, cancel all my appointments for the rest of the week.'

'Trust me, she can't fail to notice you now...'

"I feel like I don’t even know my own husband ... and it’s driving me wild!"

"We don't have sex any more, we argue about money and you hate my mother. We should be married."

"If you don't stop saying 'This whole game is a charade!' we're going home."

I'm your girlfriend and best friend so I get twice as many slices

'The way we met was interesting. I opened my wallet and there she was!'

"Our therapist couple be so proud of us now."

"Since he's been a plagiarist, committed perjury and runs a Ponzi scheme, trust can be an issue."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.